On Being Happy and Body Image

I wrote this post like an hour ago and seriously debated whether or not to publish it...I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I don't want any extra attention. It's just something that's heavy on my heart...I don't know...maybe one of you reading can relate...or maybe you can't so just skip right over this and let's forget it ever happened, we'll just meet in the next blog post! 0:)

I guess we all have our dirty little secrets, here I go putting mine out there...kind of ;) :

Well...today I don't know what it is but I just cannot stop thinking about my weight loss journey. I haven't written about it at all on this blog because I started a diet in late August and didn't want to be embarrassed if I failed and didn't lose any weight however...so far I have lost 50 pounds, and hopefully still counting!

It has been so HARD...more mentally than physically.

I won't go into just how much I weighed, YET (I will one of these days when I'm down about 20-25 more pounds) ;) but it just really got me thinking about being happy with myself.

I have lost 50 pounds...FIFTY freaking POUNDS! Yet...every time I step on the scale the only thing I can think about is losing that 20-25 more. Um HELLO?!?!?!?!?! Why am I not ELATED?! Jumping for JOY?! Screaming at the top of my lungs that I am no longer TRAPPED inside a body that made me uncomfortable 24/7???

Answer: I. Don't. Know.

What I do know so far is that I have accomplished a lot (as others tell me)..but to me, it feels like no big deal, it feels like just a means to an end, to lose MORE weight, to be were I WANT to be, to be...happy??? If someone else were to tell me they lost 50 pounds...HOLY GOODNESS! I would be so excited for them!!!!! Praise them on their will power and beg and plead for tips on how they did it...but wait...I did that. Why can't I praise myself??

Maybe because:
1) I know how hard it is to make the right decisions when it comes to eating and only I know how hard I am on myself when I make the wrong ones...
2) I have unrealistic expectations of how I should be eating and losing every single day.
3) I don't take care of myself like I should right now and I'm scared it will affect me in the future.

The list could go on and on.

It's so funny because 50 pounds ago I wasn't really self conscious...I have an AMAZING boyfriend who (bless his delusional heart) thought I was perfect just the way I was. It made me feel SO good but, I was still uncomfortable in clothes and still very conscious of how my body looked in certain outfits. But I told myself this time, I was in no hurry. I have people who love me no matter what I look like and I would take my time and I would get to where I wanted to be when my body wanted to get there. However now, I am SO body conscious...I get nervous more then before about how I look. Every bite I take has this fear in my mind "If I eat more then I did yesterday will I gain an ounce...or a pound?"

Enter the mind...

I did NOT factor in to this wonderful weight loss dream how hard I would be on myself. Why?? Why can't I be satisfied with certain accomplishments??

I guess it's not a dirty little secret...we are all our biggest critics right?!

Hehehe I thought this was kind of funny...I know a lot of
people like this ;)

I've found a lot of comfort in reading other people's blogs, people who have lost 2 to 3 times more weight than me and have all felt exactly what I'm feeling.
Read this if you can relate:
http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/what-i-miss-from-135lbs-ago/

And then, if you've got the time, read this:
http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/my-exercise-history/

I just found this blog and it is so inspiring to me, I've felt every single thing that she wrote in that and I'm excited for the day when I can get to the same place as her. And I'm working on it, I really am!!

***Note: I am NOT writing this post to get people to feel sorry for me or to praise me, I am not doing this for my own ego. I am writing this because I feel like I'm not alone in this mentality and to me it's really comforting...I'm sure (or at least I hope) that there are a lot of people out there who are hard on themselves no matter what they accomplish.

I also do NOT think that happiness lies in how much you weigh...I can count NUMEROUS times when I have seen an "overweight" person who is HAPPY and CONFIDENT and I have wished that I could be or feel like them, same thing with a "fit, skinny" person. hmm...I guess maybe it's just self image and worth that I'm after...huh...hey, who says you need pay for a psychologist, I think I just cracked my own psyche! ;)

Also note...is it obvious I have trouble distinguishing between then and than??? Haha evertime I write I really have to think about it and in the end I just have to make a choice.